article by Doug Miller
For the past 6 years I have been a part of a powerful force that has changed my life… A Men’s Group.
Each week you will find me gathered with six other men, standing in a circle, holding hands around a small table covered with a cloth blessed by the Dali Lama. We start the meeting with a prayer. Stones from around the world circle a candle and a small hand drum. There are two sticks. One has a beautiful crystal buried into it, held in place by a strand of copper wire — our “talking stick.” The other is dark and carries an ominous power — our “challenge stick.” After the prayer we “Tone.” The intention behind toning is to release energy and get present in the room. We grunt, scream, moan, yelp, etc. It goes anywhere from one minute to five minutes depending on the energy of the group. It is powerful!
I use the metaphor of a container often in the group. The container is the symbol for the amount of trust and safety that exists in the group. The stronger the container, the more heat it can withstand. The stronger our trust, the more emotional expression and risk the group can withstand. “Holes” in the container vary, from simple issues of timeliness and keeping agreements. The holes can also get subtler within the dynamic of the group. We strive to have a strong enough container so that when one of us gets triggered by the behavior of another, we can talk about it and process it.
Each year we go through a process of acknowledging ourselves and each member of the group, for the accomplishments of the past year. We then identify a theme for each member for the coming year. This theme helps the group zero in on each members issues and how to work with them throughout the year.
There are a number of reasons that I have participated in this men’s group. Mostly, I love creating and being a part of a community. These six guys witness me as I walk through my life, face, and overcome challenges. They observe and reflect back to me where I am and where I have come from. Through this community I stay grounded in myself. I can count on these guys. I know they will be there for me no matter what. They are a vital part of my safety net, which allows me to take huge risks out in the world. They have helped me get jobs, supported me in racing off to propose marriage to the love of my life, and been there to help me through rough times.
In return I get to be of service. I have walked with these men into the deepest and darkest parts of their lives. I have been there to support them and love them. Intimacy is the result.
The man who founded this group did so with the intention of creating a place where men could work on intimacy issues. That is what I have experienced – a safe place where I can bring my shame, embarrassment, emotional upset, tears, and anger, and still be embraced, accepted, and loved. I get to drop all the masks of my false self and be vulnerable and open to the best of my ability. Just having a group of close men to hang out with is nurturing and supportive. They have gotten to know me in a way no one else has. They are able to see through my games and manipulations quickly, and support me in healing and growing through it. It is really extraordinary.
The men’s movement as touched on in Robert Bly’s Book, “Iron John,” reveals how we gain sustenance just by being in the presence of other men. I get to be with men that are committed to living powerful and effective lives. It is quite amazing. This camaraderie extends into outside activities that the group does together. We have even spent a New Year’s Eve together with our families up in the mountains.
These are just a few of the reasons that I spend two hours each week with these six other men. My life is so much fuller and richer. This experience has been and continues to be such a blessing and a gift. I highly recommend it to anyone that is looking for consistent support and nurturing on the path of self-development. There is nothing like being a part of a group that is supportive and safe. It can be created easily with openness and commitment.
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Doug Miller as been leading seminars since the age of 14. He is masterful at working with clients to create a plan of action that leads to results. Doug blends practical spiritual principles with real world actions to assist his clients in getting more of what they want in their lives. He was the publicist for a #1 “New York Times” best selling personal growth book DO IT! by John-Roger. Doug also speaks and trains in the corporate world on topics such as Teamwork, Customer Service, and Conflict Management.