From Vivian Silva, MSW’s featured Shared Circle Story:

Arlyne: “I moved to Northern California after the death of my husband to be near my elder daughter. I had a horrendous year dealing with having breast cancer. During that time my husband came down with a rare form of cancer and died within 4 months, while I was undergoing radiation with more chemo to come. I had left behind many friends when I moved, and suddenly found myself alone, except for my daughter and her family. I decided to do something about it, and moved into a senior retirement community. I attended “A Women’s Circle” program with Vivian Silva, and have been attending faithfully on a weekly basis, ever since. Vivian opened my eyes and ears to many things. I have learned so much about myself and how to fend for myself. The Group’s input has been most helpful. I have made bonding friendships from the group and no longer feel so isolated and alone.—I don’t know how I would have coped without these wonderful women!”Kayla:” Being in this “Women’s Circle” has created a strong bond between us, and become a top priority for me and the other members. The experience of having a voice and being heard on such a deep level, has formed an incredible trust that few of us have had in our lives. Having a place to reach out regularly has created a networking of helpmates and camaraderie. The women who are on their own don’t feel so alone. On a daily basis I find myself looking at things differently– with sharing in mind.”

Lorie: “For approximately three years, I have been a member of the “Women’s Circle”, described in our activity guide as “A chance to be heard”. Earlier this year, our facilitator began a full-time position, and we have continued to meet on our own. Our current group consists of 10 to 12 “regulars”, who meet on a weekly basis. We have shared many concerns and experiences, and given each other much support. Most importantly, we listen. We have developed a closeness and deep bond as we relate to each other. I look forward to our weekly circles and find each member contributes to the atmosphere of caring, kindness and respect that prevails.”

The Guidelines that were set in the beginning by Vivian have been most helpful in setting the tone and creating a safe space for “The Women’s Circle” to continue on their own. They are as follows:

• Only one person speak at a time
• Give your full attention to the person speaking
• Confidentiality. Anything said in the circle is not repeated outside the circle unless the person speaking gives permission.
• Speak in “first person” when stating opinions.
• Be non-judgmental. Do not judge yourself or others for expressed feelings or opinions.

The “Women’s Circle” at the Sunnyvale Senior Center has been meeting every Tuesday morning for the past two years. Many times their “Gatherings” extend into lunch and other social events throughout the day, and have been the catalyst of many lasting friendships that continue to enrich their daily lives.

– Vivian Silva, MSW, Gerontologist and Counselor, resides in San Jose, California. To contact her email: vivsilva@aol.com

Reprinted from Spheres, Women’s Circles Publication, Vol.1, No. 3

article by Vivian I. Silva, MSW

Sunnyvale, California-The spark ignited for starting a women’s circle in 1993. I attended a workshop with Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of “Women Who Run with the Wolves.” By the end of the weekend I realized how difficult it was for me to be free to express my own voice. Clarissa had asked the participants to write a poem based on a significant dream. It so happened that one of the three men in attendance was a teacher from my high school and my Saturday catechism classes. When she asked for volunteers to read their poems, I said to myself, “No way can I read mine, Mr. Kiely is here. He’ll wonder what happened to ‘nice’ Vivian”. Just then I heard a voice in my head saying, “All the more reason to read it!” I took a deep breath and raised my hand to volunteer. “Not such a big deal,” you may be thinking to yourself as you read this—But in my dream the words “Fuck You,” screamed out of my mouth at my ex-husband. I rarely used the “F” word, so I realized how significant it was for me to express my anger. This went against all I was taught about being a “nice girl”. Growing up in my Portuguese family, children were to be seen, not heard. In later years, I found myself in a long-term relationship and marriage where I didn’t have a voice. I left that weekend workshop with a mission–to help give older women a voice!

As a social worker and gerontologist at the Cupertino Senior Center, I noticed there wasn’t a format for women only, to discuss aging issues or life situations. Thus began “Lady Guinevere’s Round Table Discussion Group.” Often a new attendee would ask if I was Guinevere, and with a smile I’d answer; “No, but King Arthur probably never invited Lady Guinevere to his round table discussions, so this is a chance for women to be heard”.

The success of this group encouraged Sunnyvale Senior Center’s director to ask me to facilitate and implement a women’s group there. Thus began “A Women’s Circle”, where I continued to pursue my passion—to give women a voice and an opportunity to get to know themselves and each other better. I wanted to present aging topics in a fun, non-threatening way. I continue to hear from participants stating the value of being heard in a circle of women. Comments range from “learning new communication skills”, “not feeling alone”, “new friendships”, “to feeling supported”, and “a bonding unlike any others experienced”.

The experiences of following my passion to help older women find their voice, continued to ignite my creativity; thus, sparking exploration of my own voice. I’ve designed and implemented formats for a variety of topics such as divorce, dreams, transition, film, aging and “free-to-be-me-groups.” I owe much gratitude to the women sharing their voices, sharing their lives with me. They will forever be in my heart’s circle.